Filed under: Random
I’m just kidding. I don’t know your mama and I don’t really think she’s that fat.
Anyhow, last night, I was listening to NPR’s “Talk of the Nation” segment on political put-downs and comebacks. There’s nothing I love more than witty banter that results in somebody saying “touche!” or crying softly in the corner.
Here are some of my favorites:
From Chris Lamb’s book “I’ll Be Sober in the Morning”, here’s a story about Winston Churchill, the king of political put-downs:
Winston Churchill had been drinking heavily at a party when he bumped into Bessie Braddock, a Socialist Member of Parliament.
“Mr. Churchill, you are drunk,” Braddock said harshly.
Churchill paused and said, “And Bessie, you are ugly. You are very ugly. I’ll be sober in the morning.”
And another one…
During a television debate against incumbent U.S. Senator Fritz Hollings in 1986, Republican candidate Henry McMaster challenged his opponent to take a drug test.
“I’ll take a drug test,” Hollings responded, “if you’ll take an IQ test.”
And I heard this one on the show last night:
Reporter: How do you feel about people instantly disliking you?
Politician: It saves them time.
You can listen to the whole show here.
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Reading the headline from this LA Times article made me giggle. I don’t even think I need to read the article.
“Police halt ‘mooning’ of trains in Laguna Niguel after a crowd of 8,000 gathers
Some bared more than their bottoms, the Orange County Sheriff’s Department says.”
Read article here.
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Fox recently released their “Hell’s Kitchen” video game. What is the world coming to???
The premise of the game is that you cook and get yelled at. Can’t people just get real jobs instead?
Read more about it here.
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Don’t worry, girls, it was just a traffic violation! He’s still the man you trust and love.
Bill Gates’ mugshot from The Smoking Gun.
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Fox News provides the daily morning humor I so sorely need to jumpstart my day.
Yesterday morning, the news show on Fox spent a good amount of time reporting about the fire in Hollywood. Here are the best excerpts from an interview with the fire chief:
REPORTER: I know just smelling it and tasting it right now that it’s kind of like yucky smoke. It’s not like ah… What do you think is burning? It’s like plastic, maybe.
FIRE CHIEF: Yes, there’s wood and metal and plastic in the buildings…
[snip]
FIRE CHIEF: That’s one of the protocols. To ensure the gas is shut off and other utilities are controlled.
REPORTER: You did shut that off, right?
FIRE CHIEF: Yes.
I think they’re going to win an award this year for rich and compelling stories.
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This article posted last week by Allison Hope Weiner of The Huffington Post cracked me up. Only hilarious things can come out of serving as your own lawyer in a court case and speaking about yourself in third person. Here’s an excerpt:
The day ended with some of the biggest news of the trial, Anthony Pellicano will not testify in his own defense. After what was one of the most tortuous days of the trial with the seemingly endless testimony of defendant Kevin Kachikian, Mr. Pellicano finally livened things up after the jury was excused for the day. As the judge sought to question Mr. Pellicano about whether he’d decided to testify, Mr. Pellicano began what was clearly a prepared speech, carefully announcing that his intention is not to have Mr. Pellicano testify to anything that Mr. Pellicano’s clients said. As the judge struggled not to laugh at his repeated use of Mr. Pellicano, Mr. Pellicano attempted to continue his carefully prepared soliloquy, admonishing the judge with a surly “May I finish?” It seems at this point that Mr. Pellicano the lawyer has decided that he doesn’t care what happens to Mr. Pellicano the client. Rather, he seemed just incredibly committed to getting a bunch of self-serving, incredibly ironic statements on the record. He calmly asked the judge whether if he were to allow Mr. Pellicano to testify, Mr. Pellicano could limit his testimony to merely those acts committed by Mr. Pellicano.
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I think I need to join the Equinox gym because what I really deserve in life is a high-class gym full of sexy beautiful people and weird 18th century motifs. There’s one a couple blocks away from my office. If I join, I too can become a 18th century model.
Watch the video. You will not be sorry.
I got this in an email today:
Bono, lead singer of the rock band U2, is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.
At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for total quiet.
Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, ‘Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.’
From the front of the crowd a voice with a broad Scottish accent pierced the quiet …
‘Well, fuckin stop doin it then, ya evil bastard!’
It gave me a little chuckle this morning, but don’t be fooled. Snopes has already debunked this rumor. Oh Snopes, you always know the truth. (Insert X-Files theme song.)
Filed under: Random
I was making calls at work to find a new media monitoring service. A rep at one company asked for my contact info. When I spelled out my last name, his voice went up two decibels and he said, “Oh, a Vietnamese girl!” I told him I wasn’t Vietnamese, but he continued on and shouted, “I smell royalty!” I think he said that two or three times. And then he called me a “Vietnamese princess.” I didn’t even know what to say after that. Awkward? Yes. Are sales reps supposed to say things like that? Probably not. Do I want to be called a Vietnamese princess by a sales rep or anybody for that matter? Not really, but it was better than him calling me a peasant.
A couple of days ago, I started reading this book called, “Eat, Pray, Love,” by Elizabeth Gilbert. I’m a sucker for stories about funny, self-deprecating women having some sort of traumatic experience and throwing everything away so they can travel to Italy and start afresh. I think I’m going to move to Italy one day too, but I can do without the traumatic experiences.
I also gravitated toward this autobiographical book because on the cover of the book, there was a quote from Anne Lamott. I’ll read anything Anne Lamott says is worthwhile. Anne Lamott is that cool. I wish I were friends with Anne Lamott. We would take bike rides together near the beach and she would tell me funny stories and as we would both laugh while throwing our heads back, her dredlocks would dance in the wind. Anne Lamott is so cool I have to use her full name all the time when I refer to her. I read her book, “Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life,” and was left in tears and smiles. I’d highly suggest it for any aspiring writer or even someone who just enjoys hearing funny stories about people messing up and trying to make things right.
About a year ago, Anne Lamott visited my town and I went to hear her speak. I was surprised to find hundreds of people standing outside just to hear her talk, But the facility could only hold a small amount of people inside. So the rest of us, dejected, stood outside hoping that we’d get to press our ears against the wall and catch a few words. Nope, that didn’t work. As I was about to leave, I saw this lively, 50-something year old lady with dredlocks walk toward the building. She came up to me and shook my hand and said, “It’s nice to meet you. I’m so sorry you came here and you can’t get inside to hear me speak. I’ll try to get them to set up some loudspeakers so people outside can hear. But thank you for coming.”
Well, that made my day.
