I wish you could see me right now, nursing my cold. Despite the chest congestion and the irritating cough that makes it sound like I’m scoffing all the time, I now have a sexy, raspy voice that might also be confused for a pubescent boy’s voice. I like the idea of both, so I’m not complaining. I’ve spent the past few days taking numerous naps and watching my favorite old movies. I forgot how much I love “Fight Club” and “Eternal Sunshine”. I’ve watched both of them a few times over the past few days. I know, it’s a bit obsessive, but maybe I’ve just been in a contemplative and slightly nihilistic mood lately. “Eternal Sunshine” is just amazing to me with an ambient soundtrack by the musical genius Jon Brion. It compliments the movie perfectly. I hope he gets over his tendonitis soon so I can see him perform at Largo. And I love how the movie begins with the heart-wrenching bitterness of a relationship ending (I know we’ve all been through this) and progresses toward the first euphoric moments when everything was perfect. I’m getting soft in my old age.
IT WAS A FYNE TIME, MILADY.
So, I went to the Renaissance Fair, which is now called the Pleasure Faire….okay… Have I lost some street cred? It was everything I expected and how! I thought it would be amusing to spend the whole day walking around speaking in old English…let me correct that – ye olde English…and do people watching in a different time era. I was surprised how dressed up people were in elaborate wench, fairy, pirate, viking, royalty, and peasant costumes. It was a bit too intense. It was funny for the first hour and then I started feeling sorry for everyone that took the festival way too seriously. I know it’s all in good fun, but hearing people say “stop using that Flemmish artist’s box” in reference to a camera made me throw up a little inside my mouth.
Apparently nobody really had an idea of how to speak like they were from that era and neither did I. My friends and I spent the whole day saying “One should drink some beer… One should not be so lame-ous.” In front of the entrance, a man walked around with a basket of sausages saying “would you like a taste of my sausage in ye mouth?” Maybe I found it extra funny because there were families around and confused-looking children. Let me just add that it’s wrong to start dressing up kids in those kind of outfits at such a young age. You’re just asking for them to get thrown into trashcans when they enter junior high school.
The image that stuck out in my mind the most: boobs, boobs, and nipples. The Renaissance Fair was an excuse for all women to be wenches or in the 21st century talk – skanky hoes. The old times sure don’t discriminate with extreme cleavage. By the end of the day I was so disgusted by the amount of boobage I had seen. You couldn’t even avoid it. It was IN YO FACE. Most of them wore low cotton tops that had no support whatsoever and nipples would often pop out. I’m sure guys are thinking, “what’s wrong with that?” Oh plenty, especially if a good amount of those boobs are the saggy kind you can throw over your shoulder. I’m just being mean, but damn. *shudder
I’m complaining a lot but I really think everyone should go to this event at least once for the experience and to feel better about yourself. The fair is really well-put together and the most organized kind of festival I’ve been to as of late. There weren’t cheap canopies set up, but rather actual renaissance-like structures built. People really tried to stay into character all day. The food court had a large variety of food, such as shepherd’s pie, gyros, curry, pickles, and big turkey legs. As for activities, there were numerous comedy shows (“Bold and Stupid Men” was especially funny), musical performances, a really good jousting production, hair-braiding salons, man-made rides, costume stores and beer (because it’s dangerous to be sober in this type of environment). The fair’s over now, but make sure to check it out next year. I’m sure it’ll be even crazier next year.
IT WAS MORTIFYING, IN THE GOOD WAY.
When I was a kid, I would try to look for my sister’s diary so I could get some dirt on her and blackmail her with it. Yeah it was bratty, but now we’re Best Friends 4-Eva (because I’m blackmailing her as we speak to be my friend). So, when I heard about “Mortified”, an event where people read embarrassing entries from their childhood diaries, I was ecstatic. There were a number of stories that were hilarious. My favorite was this girl who had decided in college to become a L.U.G. (Lesbian Until Graduation) because her boyfriend broke her heart. As her entries progressed, she definitely got more and more gay and was confused by her sexuality. This is a summary of some of the things she said:
“I kissed a girl. I think I liked it. What does that mean??? Am I a Lesbian?”
“I went down on a girl and didn’t know what the hell I was doing or if she enjoyed it. I felt like a man.”
“I had sex with a girl. What does that mean???”
Then she had talked about having sex with a girl after she already graduated. What does that mean??? Ha squared, I found it funny. Maybe you had to be there. And you should. There’s an upcoming performance with different presenters at King King in Hollywood on Wednesday, June 27 at 8 p.m. They serve lots of wine at this bar and Mortified has an afterschool band that does hearty renditions of Rage Against the Machine songs and other songs from the old days.
Check out the website for Mortified
Here’s an example of one of the awesome stories:
Filed under: Things to do in L.A.
The tattooed community of Los Angeles flocked to Vroman’s Bookstore in Pasadena last Monday in their best wedding gowns (including the men) to hear Chuck Palahniuk speak about his latest book, “Rant: An Oral Biography of Buster Casey.” The only Palahniuk book I’ve read is “Fight Club” so I was excited to be there but I wouldn’t call myself a crazy fan. But then after a few minutes, the jittery excitement of his fans started getting me revved up and then I got really jittery with sweaty palms and suddenly wished I had read all of his books.
Here’s one of the conversations I overheard at the event:
“Have you read any of Chuck’s books? Oh well, then you’re definitely not a fan.”
“Well, you can’t expect everyone here to read all of his books.”
“Then you’re not a fan.”
It was that kind of event where you had to prove your worth by waiting in line for hours for Palahniuk to sign your worn-out copies of “Lullaby”, “Choke”, and “Fight Club”. The bigger fans wore wedding dresses for the event because the author was going to award the best-dressed person with a secret present that would be mailed to the winner’s house. I could only imagine what would be inside that box: a snuff video, a cow’s heart, dynamite?
I found out at the event that Chuck Palahniuk’s last name is pronounced “Pa-la-nik”. Who would’ve ever guessed? When I had told people earlier that week that I was going to his book reading, I heard people say, “Oh Chuck Pa-la-ha-nu-ik?” or “Chuck Pala…*mumble mumble*”. His name has too many unnecessary letters.
The other thing I found out is that Palahniuk really loves his fans and he’s good to them. He’s charming and funny in a dark, off-beat way. He threw out signed giant inflatable moose heads to anybody that could answer his
trivia questions about his books. One of the funniest things he said was when he asked a trivia question and looked toward the crowd for a volunteer to answer. “Yes, you with the wedding dress and the bruised eye,” he said while pointing to a young girl that fit that description perfectly. He also threw out flower bouquets, plastic dismembered body parts and squeaky hamburger toys. One of the best gifts he gave was a fake cigarette that blew out smoke. After seeing too many people inhale the fake cigarette, he warned them to stop it because it was filled with talcum powder. There was this really innocent-looking, smiley teenage girl sitting next to me. She spent the next hour “smoking” the cigarette by holding it between her index and middle finger and blowing it every few minutes. She even put it behind her ear for effect. Palahniuk is breeding future smokers.
For the rest of the event, he read his unpublished short stories, letters he received from fans, and told his own personal stories. When Palahniuk speaks, it feels like he is speaking just like his writing – it’s beautifully descriptive. He was telling the fans about how he had to do research about women for one of his books and he learned so much about them. He recalled a time he spoke to a woman that said, “Yeah, I was in love once, but then I realized it was really just like that feeling you get when your tampon goes sideways.” Palahniuk stared in disbelief and said, “It can do that??”
*I look so serious in this picture. Notice how I don’t even need to look at where I’m aiming in order to get such a high score of 312,900, which would make me a Level 5 Ranger. (In all honesty, my score was something closer to 10,000, but there was a computing error and they matched my picture with somebody else’s score. Jean-1, Loser-0)
When my friend, Stephanie told me she could get me into Disney’s California Adventure Park for free, I was like “Get outta here!” When she said that we could get a 20 percent discount off of the food and 35 percent off souvenirs with her employee discount card, I said, “What the frick?!” When she told me I could get free wine and food at that theme park, I said “Oh my God! Like totally tubular!”
Okay, those weren’t my exact words, but I’m trying to convey my excitement for Disney’s California Food & Wine Weekends. This event will continue on the weekends until May 20th, so you still have a couple more weekends left to partake in this great event. (I’m going again in two weeks.) People get to attend cooking demonstrations and tequila, wine, and beer tastings for free (minus the price of the admission ticket – but you would pay for that anyhow). Line up about half an hour to 45 minutes before the show starts to get a ticket to hold a spot at a table.
I attended one wine tasting, where I got to sample Moon Mountain’s Sauvignon Blanc, Chardonnay and Cabernet Sauvignon and I even got an educational seminar on wine. I’ve always seen people stick their big noses in tulip-shaped wine glasses (like in “Sideways”) and swirl the wine in their glasses before taking a sip. I’ve always wanted to do the same with a sultry look on my face, but I can imagine myself looking like an idiot with a constipated look on my face instead. The man that worked at Moon Mountain taught us about the 4 S’s. See, Swirl, Smell, and Sip. After his demonstration, I felt more confident about faking my way into looking like a wine connoisseur at hoity toity events. The only upsetting thing about this event is that they don’t give you that much wine. I know it’s a free wine tasting and I shouldn’t be so greedy, but Stephanie told me they gave nearly full glasses last year.
I also went to a balsamic vinegar cooking demonstration. Keep in mind that at these cooking demonstrations, everybody gets a small plate sample of all the food they make. I was a little wary about this particular event because I thought they would give me a weak salad I could make on my own. But I was wrong, oh so wrong. I got some savory lamb chop seared in butter with a caramelized balsamic vinegar sauce, accompanied by a creamy bean salad. It was heavenly and everybody wanted more because we’re all greedy and Disney wet our palates…but it was just a teaser. Fox should make a special called “When hungry people who sampled delicious food that want more…attack…”It was still delicious and I’m salivating at the thought of it this moment.
Click here for more info about Disney’s Food & Wine Weekends
Filed under: Things to do in L.A.
My friend’s little brother, who is a a sophomore in college, spent his Saturday nursing a hangover from “Quatro de Mayo.” When I was living in San Diego, I would occasionally go to this Mexican-themed bar called Fred’s. Every fifth of the month was called “Cinco de Fred’s” and all margaritas were half off and people were allowed to dance their hearts out with a sombrero on their heads. Very classy stuff.
Last night was the first time I had celebrated Cinco de Mayo since my old college days. Since I’m a bit more educated now (or at least I’d like to be), I like to be informed about what I’m celebrating when I’m drinking. For example: I just a got a new job – drinks on me!; my friend just got a new job – free drinks for me!; it’s Friday!; it’s Wednesday!; I beat a level on Time Crisis 4; and so on…
All I knew about Cinco de Mayo was that it wasn’t Mexico’s Independence Day. When I asked my friend if he knew what the day was all about, he indignantly replied with, “I’m not stupid. I know it’s not their Independence Day.” But if it wasn’t their Independence Day, then what was it? Nobody could answer that question.
Cinco de Mayo commemorates the initial battle against the French on May 5, 1862, where Mexican forces defeated French forces in the Battle of Puebla (FYI Puebla is east of Mexico City). But that didn’t stop the French and they occupied Mexico City a year later, resulting in a five year battle, with the Mexicans coming out as the victors. Yay! This was a very exciting history lesson, wasn’t it?
And here’s some more information so you can impress your friends with your worldly knowledge: the actual Mexican Independence Day is September 16.
So, a little less excited about Cinco de Mayo after finding out this information, I started thinking asking myself, is this really just a commercialized holiday for college drunks? My friends and I headed out to Pasadena, which although isn’t party headquarters, has quite a few notable bars. We entered one bar that was very chic, but very empty and had a lingering pungent scent of sewer every few minutes. Since it was Pasadena, I wore flip flops and a casual outfit. Who dresses up for Pasadena? It’s not even close to the party atmosphere of Hollywood. I found out I was way under-dressed and people wore their best little black dresses, button-down shirts and slacks in Pasadena! Slap me silly and call me Gretchen. I underestimated how seriously people felt about the Pasadena bar/club scene. We went to another Spanish tapas/bar called Barcelona and although the crowd was livelier and the music was enjoyable, there wasn’t a dance floor. A notable moment was when a male cop and a female cop did walk in to kick out some underage drinkers but ended up staying and flirting with other bar patrons. But that’s another story…
I realized Cinco de Mayo wasn’t the same if it wasn’t in a college town. Sure there were festivals going on in Olvera Street in downtown L.A. and a couple of other places, but for some reason, I had imagined the Cinco de Mayo celebrations would be more prevalent in all of the L.A. suburbs. It really is an Americanized holiday celebrated more in the U.S. than in Mexico itself. What a sham.
Filed under: Things to do in L.A.
While everyone was at Coachella this past weekend rocking out to Rage Against the Machine and dancing their hearts to LCD Soundsystem, I was getting in touch with a microphone, seeing Kareem Abdul-Jabbar (not romantically), eating shish kabobs, dating 15 men, and playing DDR professionally. Was I jealous that everyone else was sweating, paying for overpriced food, and getting dehydrated in the desert? Okay, just a little bit… I mean, Tom Morello was there.
Amagi: Combine a dive bar and a cheesy karaoke stage in the Gower Gulch cowboy shopping strip and I’m there! For anybody itching to sing in Los Angeles at a place that isn’t too intimidating and where you can grab a Brewster and even feel like a man, Amagi’s the place to go. There is a small room in the back of the bar, where there is a stage fit for a low-budget 70’s movie with all the works – the red velvet curtain, the streamers and the disco ball. And the stage isn’t so high off the ground, so you can do your Mick Jagger impressions with ease while walking off the stage to dance with the alcoholics. Although the sound system isn’t the best sound system in the world and the voice of singers can be piercingly loud at times, the upside is that the place isn’t super trendy but hip in its own way and it’s a great place to embarrass yourself with your friends for a $1 each song. The best part about this room is that there are two men that sit in the corner of the mini-stage and are the DJs for the karaoke songs. They could almost be the next American Idol judges based on their body language alone. When I went on stage with my friend singing, “Total Eclipse of the Heart” (my specialty), we showcased our turning around skills every time we sang “turn around…” One of the DJs sat there shaking his head at us the whole time while burying his hands in his face. And if you’re not planning on singing, you can watch Amagi regular, Steve, the Japanese Karaoke Ninja, do his Freddie Mercury and Axl Rose impressions nightly.
Amagi @ 6114 W Sunset Blvd (Cross Street: N Gower Street), Los Angeles, CA 90028
Speed-dating: When my friend and I drove down the street looking for the lounge that was housing this speed-dating event over the weekend, we knew it was going to be a classy night. It was the kind of street that was full of Wal Marts and CVS’s. The lounge was underground, next to a bowling alley. When we got out of the car, the first guy we saw was a portly, middle-aged, short man. Since this was my first time going to a speed-dating event, I didn’t know what to expect and tried to run back in my car to avoid a horrible mess. My friend convinced me that this would be a night full of laughs and I remember I enjoyed laughing so I continued walking. While we walked up to the lounge, a random man stopped us on the street to say, “Damn girls! You fergalicious!” What did that mean?? I thought only Fergie could be Fergalicious. I mean, it would even make more sense if we were delicious or supercilious.
The 1020 Lounge in Arcadia was surprisingly nice and it felt like I had stepped into some hipster lounge in Hollywood. The red ambient lighting filled the room and there were little stone tables that gave a nice touch to the decor. Upon first entering the room, there was even that big Buddha fountain that seems prevalent in many hipster Asian-themed bars.
There were a few duds out there and a couple of freaks as I expected, but the thing that surprised me was that there were some actually normal people there, just wanting to build their network of friends. So, for everyone to know – speed-dating isn’t that weird and actually pretty fun. You meet a lot of random people and if they’re not somebody you’d want to get to know any further, you can just write stories and post them on your blog instead. But by the end of the night though, I was so bored talking about myself and my job and my hobbies that I started thinking, am I boring? But if you say the same thing to 15 guys, you’re bound to feel this way. Here’ s a recap of some of the more memorable conversations I had with these suitors and conversations I overheard.
*My interview with this skinny nerd that tucked in his polo shirt into his jeans:
ME: Hi, how are you?
HIM: I’m good. I’m good. I love clubbing. What do you like to do?
ME: Oh well, I love listening to music and –
HIM: Well, I like clubbing because I love to dance.
ME: Oh really? What kind of dancing do you do?
HIM: Everyone thinks they like dancing, but I really like dancing. I’m at Garden of Eden every weekend clubbing. You should come see me dance tonight.
ME: Well, I’m sorry, I’ve got plans tonight.
HIM: I’ll be there and I’ll buy you a drink. (grabs my paper and scribbles his number on it) Call me, I’ll be there. I love dressing up for clubs.
ME: Don’t you already dress up for work?
HIM: Yeah, I do.
ME: Then how is it different?
HIM: It’s not.
*It was the most excruciating five minutes of my life.
*Here’s a conversation that took place between one of the guys and the bartender:
GUY: I’d like some fruit punch, please.
BARTENDER: We have a full bar here, man. Why don’t you get a drink?
GUY: But I really, really want fruit punch.
BARTENDER: We don’t have fruit punch. This is a bar.
GUY’S FRIEND: (whispering to the guy) Come on, man, just get a drink with alcohol.
GUY: But I really really want fruit punch. Okay, fine.
GUY: Can I have a Cosmo?
BARTENDER: Do you want fruit punch in that too?
The L.A. Times’ Festival of Books @ UCLA: Who knew that being around thousands of books could be so much fun? I did! Since I didn’t see as many celebrities as I thought I would like Ray Bradbury and Ralph Nader, just knowing they were there somewhere in the same vicinity as me brought me joy. I did see Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and I don’t know what I expected from him, but I was a little disappointed. He was speaking for a outdoor panel advertising his new book. Okay, now thinking about it, I really wanted him to just stand up and have a booming voice…and maybe do a kicking move like in “Game of Death”. It wasn’t as impressive seeing him sitting in a chair and speaking into a mic that was turned down. He’s the Captain! Anyhow, there were an amazing amount of booths and something for everyone. There was a booth that sold all of their books for 5 bucks each (and not crappy books that are usually on the “on sale” racks at used book stores), booths that housed information for aspiring writers, and booths that provided $4 lemonade. The only surprising thing for me was that UCLA students have to pay $8 for daily parking passes everyday.
Filed under: Things to do in L.A.
Bored? Crying because you have no friends? Sad because you have nothing to do…and you live in L.A.?! Check out these upcoming indie shows:
*Musical Acts, Other Events*
Thu – Sat 4/19 – 4/21 – Colin Hay @ Largo (The Men at Work guy!)
Sun 4/22 – Blood Brothers @ Glass House
Mon 4/23 – Sarah Silverman & Friends @ Largo
Tue – Sun 4/24 -4/29 – Janeane Garofalo, Mark Maron & Henry Rollins @ Silent Movie Theatre
Tue 4/24 – Sean Lennon @ The Roxy
Tue 4/24 – Blood Brothers @ El Rey
Tue 4/24 – The Nightwatchmen @ Amoeba (Tom Morello of Rage Against the Machine & Audioslave)
Tue 4/24 – Xiu Xiu, Sunset Rubdown @ The Troubadour
Wed 4/25 – Blonde Redhead @ The Glasshouse
Wed 4/25 – David Sedaris @ Royce Hall
Wed 4/25 – Lemonheads, Giant Drag @ El Rey
Thu 4/26 – !!! @ Amoeba
Thu 4/26 – Earlimart, Sea Wolf, Watson Twins & Parson Redheads @ Ex_Plx
Thu 4/26 – Jesus and Mary Chain w/ special guests TBA @ Glasshouse
Fri – Sun 4/27 – 4/29 – Coachella Valley Music & Arts Festival @ Empire Polo Field, Indio, CA
Fri – 4/27 – Crowded House @ Glass House
Sat – 4/28 – MONO, world end’s girlfriend @ Troubadour
Sat – 4/28 – Nas @ House of Blues
Sat – 4/28 – The Walkmen @ Ex_Plx
Sun – 4/29 – Travis @ Henry Fonda
Mon – 4/30 – Andrew Bird @ Amoeba
Mon – 4/30 – Cornelius @ El Rey
*Let me know if I should add any shows to this list
